You might be a child of the ‘80s if…

Published November 11, 2011

You know, by heart, the words to any “Weird” Al Yankovic song.

Not that you’d do it personally, but body piercing captivates your attention.

You remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder form, thankyouverymuch.

The Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.

You remember the first time <I>Space: Above and Beyond</I> aired, when it was called <I>Battlestar Galactica.</I>

Songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.

Three words: “Atari,” “IntelliVision,” and “Coleco.”

You remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn’t an expensive option that required gadgets — it was the ONLY to use your computer.

You remember “Friday Night Videos” before the days of MTV.

You ever owned a pair of “Pop-Wheels” – that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market

a predominant color in your childhood photos is “plaid.”

You see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad

While in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play “1999” by Prince over and over again.

You remember when music that was labeled “alternative” really was.

You were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name “JFK,” the first thing you think of is Oliver Stone.

You can’t remember when the word “networking” didn’t have a computer connotation to it as well.

You took family trips <I>before</I> the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

You knew all the words to Billy Joel’s <I>We Didn’t Start the Fire</I>, but it really didn’t hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.

You watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you’re older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.

You can’t remember a time when “going out for coffee” didn’t involve 49,000 selections to choose from.

Schoolhouse Rock played a <I>huge</I> part in how you actually learned the English language.

You’re starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a good thing, and you’re ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.

You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.

At one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.

The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during “Crazy for You” by Madonna.

There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of “Skip,” “Buffy,” “Muffy,” or “Dexter.”

You ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.

You used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool, and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.

You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.

You read the “Hot Video Games Player’s Secrets” guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time’s sake.

You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in <I>Tron</I>.

You ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie <I>The Black Hole</I> and those blender attachments he had for hands.

You were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely.

(female) You thought Sean Cassidy was “dreamy,” lusted after “Ted, your ship’s photographer” on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.

You’re still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party.

You’ve ever said “I’m a vegetarian” and immediately had someone call you a hypocrite by saying “Nice leather jacket you have there…and gee, is that a suede bag…those shoes leather, too?”

You have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.

Your hair, at some point in time in the ‘80s, became something which can only be described by the phrase “I was experimenting.”

This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: <I>Star Wars</I> opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are way cool. <I>The Empire Strikes Back</I> opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there. <I>Return of the Jedi</I> hits the theaters. You are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia (or Han Solo). You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and “teen”-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.

You’ve ever shopped at a Benetton (but not in the last five years).

You’re starting to believe that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all

You’re doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.

You won’t walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because “there’s too many kids there.”

You’re starting to get that “why aren’t you married yet” spiel, not just from parents, but now from friends who are married.

You’ve recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.

You’re finding that you just don’t understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more.

You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.

U2 is too “popular” and “mainstream” for you now.

You ever used the phrase “kiss mah grits” in conversation.

When someone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.

You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene

You ever used the phrase “Don’t make me angry. Tou wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura’s wedding on General Hospital

You remember “Hey, let’s be careful out there”

Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway

You know who shot J.R.

This rings a bell: “Now they work for me. My name is Charlie.”

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